Skip to content

WE’VE MOVED

September 6, 2009
by

updated web address

For those of you who are stuck in 1997 and still coming to “animalshow.wordpress.com,” please note that the site is now in a completely new iteration at theanimalshow.org. Please update your bookmarks, homepages, and checkbooks accordingly.

A HOT NEW ARTIST FOR LISTENING PURPOSES

September 3, 2009
Put down the lard; I've got important news.

Put down the lard; I've got important news.

I have found the NEW HOT ARTIST™ of Month #8/9 of 2009. This dude is so new and hot, I found him using my heat-seeking music missiles. Does your mom know about him? No, your mom does not know about him. Will listening to him make you cooler than your mom? Yes, listening to my NEW HOT ARTIST™ will make you a million times cooler than your mom (unless you’re like my friend Paul D., whose mom, affectionately known as Mrs. D., was the coolest mom in school. Man, if you were over at Paul’s house and you really needed to fart, you should just let that thing rip! Mrs. D. wouldn’t care; in fact, she’d probably out-fart you. And while you choked through her noxious fart, you’d have to give her props. And then, just when you thought she couldn’t get any cooler, Mrs. D. started throwing the bitchingest parties this side of Michael Vick’s inaugural DOG FIGHTING IS APPARENTLY ILLEGAL, YOU GUYS blowout. Or at least I heard they were that insanely bitching. I was too busy sitting at home, blogging to try to put food on the table for my old, indigent parents. 😡 High school sucked.). Will knowing about this dude make your girlfriend love you more (sorry, Marquis, but  heteronormativity and gender-neutral language be damned)? Sorry bud, that ship sailed long ago. But don’t let me kill you with the suspense. You need to know all about the NEW HOT ARTIST™.

Wh0 is….

Read more…

A New Post, A Big Tree, A Big Van. Oh, and music.

September 2, 2009
A big van for big trees...Not even my thought.

A big van for big trees...Not even my thought.

Good music is hard to come by.  At least that’s what I tell myself, and that’s the excuse I offer to fans of the Animal Show, scratching by their days without hearing so much as a blimper (blog-whimper) from us.  And, for that one fan that still remains (you know who you are), I can only offer one question: Who could come up with the idea to parallel aging, off-blood colored vans with trees?  To me, the answer is clear: this must be the work of hippies, for who else would love the environment enough to make it the mascot of their existence (big tree), then defecate over it daily by using an elderly behemoth for transportation?  And behold, the creators of such an idea: Read more…

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

September 1, 2009
Miss ya already

Miss ya already

It was the summer of 2009. Everyone died. Seth McFarlane tried to make Family Guy among those deaths, but the American people showed their loyalty and continued to watch stubbornly despite its increasing idiocy. Meanwhile, the Animal Show was put very quietly on life support. For a while there we weren’t sure if Frosted Miniguns and the rest of the family was going to be able to pull through. My fellow writers and I waited anxiously in the sterile hallways of Internet Hospital; IcebergXC in his morbid obesity scooter, the 6-11 Marquis Meowmers squatting due to the low virtual height of the ceiling, Dave flitting in and out of visibility as he is wont to do, and Rookie of the Year David in his little incubator. (Because he’s a baby to the Show. Get it?) Meanwhile, I got my hand stuck in an ice machine, because I LOVE SCRUBS. But just then, when things looked bleakest, the Show got up on its confusingly metaphoric hind legs and stampeded through That Guy Who Directed Home Alone and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Memorial Hospital, trampling all the decrepit websites on its whirlwind way out. And let me tell you, man, I was worried for a minute there. But, quoth Dumbledore (or someone similarly old and white): the night is always darkest before Batman shows up. Or something. So now, the reference you’ve been waiting for off and on since mid-July or so:

Aaaaand we’re baaack!

Read more…

Sufjan Stevens’ BQE coming to soon to your ears, express.

July 21, 2009
Sufjan performing the BQE suite at the Howard Gilman Opera House in Brooklyn, November 1, 2007

Sufjan performing the BQE suite at the Howard Gilman Opera House in Brooklyn, November 1, 2007

Most nights, I lay awake praying to the blue translucent ghost of Alec Guinness for a new Sufjan Stevens release. And he usually ignores me. But last night, sir Alec was generous. And this morning I received in my inbox a press release from Sufjan’s label, Asthmatic Kitty, announcing the release (at long last) of his monumental instrumental: 2007’s BQE tribute.

Read more…

Wilconey Island and Other Elisions

July 14, 2009
Greetings from the Scariest Place on Earth!

Greetings from the Scariest Place on Earth!

Last night, I had the good fortune to see Wilco at Coney Island’s Keyspan Park, home to the brilliantly-talented and usually-sober Brooklyn Cyclones. With new Show staffer David by my side, I blocked the view of everyone behind me, towering over the competition in a way I’m capable of doing when not standing next to the 6-6 behemoth Marquis Meowmers IV, which really heightened the experience. (Hoho!) Seriously, if you ever get a chance to be the tallest person at a concert, you should capitalize on it. It’s quite an experience. There’s nothing like making the 5-6 kid behind you furious. Or the 5-9 girl with the drunky-eyes who just elbowed her way to within 15 feet of the stage after arriving 30 minutes after the opener but, like, seriously dude, you’re so tall and she’s so short and why can’t you just trade places with her? And then you’re all like, hey lady, I’ve been here for 3 hours in the sun inhaling the Brooklyn barf that trails across from the boardwalk, and I totally hear you and all but I really have trouble seeing how that’s fair to any of the other 17000 people here who are shorter than I am. And the 5-9 girl whines that maybe if you worked a fucking job you wouldn’t have the time to stand out here for 3 hours and that’s why you should give her your spot. So you’re like, lady, keep insulting me and maybe I’ll have to go to the Port-a-Throne (Registered TM) and cry, leaving my spot for you, even though I have a job and it’s probably better than yours. And then David the Rookie (registered TM) is like, you should probably write about this, because it could be funny. So you do. With long, unedited sentences. All are great experiences, and I recommend them. But even if you can’t do all that, at least go see Wilco. And here’s why:

Read more…

Not as good as Taco Bell Doritos, but close…

July 6, 2009
Where you at??

Where you at??

Many of my childhood memories are comprised of the extravagant yet startlingly cheap buffet at Pizza Hut. What resulted was my “pizza gut” and “pizza butt” that Das Racist so eloquently speak of in their blazing hot single “Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell.” While many logical arguments can be made for why it is one of the worst disgraces to music since Billy Ray Cyrus, this song is undeniably a summer jam that can be blasted at beach BBQs, roller-rink dances, and trailerpark hootenannies, securing the much sought-after summer jam trifecta. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I thought this song was a parody on first listen. Luckily for summer jams, profound and complicated lyrics are not integral to their success. I don’t think anyone has pulled an all-nighter studying the intricacies and depth of summer jams like “Who Let the Dogs Out” or “Bootylicious.” And while it may be at least two minutes too long, the synth on the Wallpaper remix is at the very least “chunkified” on Edward’s internationally-renowned chunk scale. If nothing else, this song will put you on the ground laughing and then make you dance senselessly.

Read more…